Public Humilation and Other Horrors

This weekend I spent a lot of time compiling essays and filling out transcript requests. I’m in the process of applying for my MFA in Creative Writing. By this afternoon, I was looking for a mindless task. I needed to zone out. I finished painting the family room a lovely shade of Fairview Taupe (brown-ish/grey-ish). Perhaps it was the paint fumes that got me thinking…We have been changing diapers almost non-stop since July, 2004. That’s a lot of hiney wiping. Yet, in exchange for the care and feeding of our three lovely children, we routinely suffer grave humiliation. There are a few that I’d like to address. I don’t expect they’ll be able to provide me with a proper response or change their behavior immediately. No one can accuse me of being unrealistic however, its time to call these kids out on a few things.

In the play space kitchen you were whipping up some “treats” when you loudly announced that you were serving me a glass of wine. Delivering the wine in an enormous and “fancy” ice cream sundae glass was the icing on the cake. You gave all the other mommy’s a nice warm cup of tea. What gives?
If I hold your hand in the mall and you’re pissed because I wouldn’t buy you one of those giant cookies, please don’t scream, “OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! YOU’RE HURTING ME MOMMY!” People think I’m abusing you.
Don’t yell, “I’m going to kick your ass!” Ever. You’re four. Not cool.
I know you’re my son but that doesn’t mean that I relish the act of cleaning your “pee pee” from the outside of the toilet, the floor or on occasion, the wall. What’s with that? There’s a big round hole. Point and shoot, dude. It’s not like your junk is separated from the toilet by several feet.

Yelling, “Look Mom, they even have booby traps here!” in Target was funny. I’ll give you that. But standing in the cart and squeezing each of the booby traps while saying, “Nope, too big for mommy!” wasn’t. Besides, they look like this because of you, you little stinker.

When Daddy quietly mutters, “Where the hell is the fucking bus?” to himself, don’t turn around and say, “I don’t know, maybe we fucking missed it.” Daddy doesn’t understand that you have the super-human ability to hear things from yards away. Skip the F-bombs. Especially at school. Please.

Stuffing things in your nose is never a good idea. We were lucky that your sneeze dislodged the twig. Plus, I have booger issues. Stop it.

If I take a picture of you with my phone, don’t loudly ask, “Mommy? Did you just take a picture of my privates?” That’s messed up. Social services visits mommies for statements like that. Please stop.

I overheard you tell your cousin that your “mom goes crazy.” Did you also happen to fill your cousin in on the times that you’ve cried and thrown the controller across the room because a mushroom killed you on Super Mario? No? Well, people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Capiche?

While I’m on the subject of video games, It’s disturbing to enter the room and find you in the bean bag chair clad only in your mini-boxer shorts and a t-shirt, the room smelling vaguely of farts while you navigate the perils of Super Mario Land.

It’s not okay to bite the dog. Not ever.

It’s only okay to color on your face with WASHABLE markers. Sharpies are never a good idea. Trust me.

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  1. The Coexist Cafe says:

    This has to be the best blog post I've yet to read here. I especially like the F-bomb thing! Reminds me of a story my parents love to tell (well, my mom, at least):

    Around a year old, a friend of mine, AJ, and I were sitting on the couch and playing with a plastic ball. Our parents were watching football, and at some point my dad, obviously not agreeing with a call one of the referees made, muttered, "That's such bullshit."

    As if on cue, AJ took the plastic ball from me, and I muttered, "Bulllllshit, AJ" while taking back what was mine. Our parents spent the next 15 minutes between fits of uncontrollable giggles and prompting me: "Say 'bullshit', Stephanie! Say 'bullshit'!"

    I hope you have your incident (or at least one of them!) on video, as, um… this one is. And it's hilarious to watch. 😉

  2. Slidecutter says:

    Boy, did I need a good laugh today after being home with His Hineyness, picking up pieces of his lost mind and matching his socks.

    So much of what you write makes everyone think and relate to similar experiences only you…make it funny!

    Thank you for the comic relief!

  3. My friends constantly tell me that our family would make an excellent reality show…unfortunately, we don't have any of these moments on film. I wish we did. However, we have captured several moments that will serve as blackmail in the teens years.
    My baby book lists "shit" and "oh shit" among my first words. I think we know where they get it from 🙂

  4. The Coexist Cafe says:

    Hah, that is great! Apple definitely doesn't fall far from the tree. Seems our kids will have some interesting and colorful vocabularies, too… 😉

    Thank heavens they're recorded in some way. What good are these experiences if they can't be used in the future to embarrass your kids! LOL

  5. melody-mae says:

    Oh my goodness, I was sitting here with the laptop reading this while the hubbie is watching some boring show I cannot stand to watch and I actually laughed out loud, or snorted out loud…hehe…anyway, I loved this! You have a way of writing that makes me smile!!!!

  6. Oh you poor thing, I don't know if I should laugh because it is actually funny or be afraid of what N will be saying when she learns how to talk… Should I consider myself warned? lol.

  7. ProudUSARECWife says:

    "Don't yell, "I'm going to kick your ass!" Ever. You're four. Not cool." OMG!! Did she really say that to you?

    Love your blog- you are hilarious

  8. Carol And Stacy says:
  9. Hilarious! I have many moments similar to these, though I wish I'd laugh at them more. Thanks for reminding me to laugh. 🙂 They're only this age once, right?

  10. Sparkling says:

    OMG the booby traps thing has me in hysterics.

    My sister, at the age of about 3, upon coming up on an accident scene with my mother said "what's this shitty mess?" Kids are so great.

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