The Case of the Orange Crayon

Freshly painted walls. What can I say, they excite me. I’m not sure what the expiration date is on “fresh” when it comes to paint and walls, but clearly Gwen is under the impression that fresh paint has a shelf life of approximately 6 months. My pint-sized Picasso has taken it upon herself to tackle the redesign of her room with a series of tiny, disfigured beings that may or may not represent people.

What I find fascinating is that she revamped her room with mixed media in the form of crayons, pencil, red pen and one orange magic marker. Genius, sheer genius. However, she needs a bit of work in the area of hatching diabolical plans.

Considering Joe’s penchant for all things orange, her use of the orange marker was utterly brilliant. I’ll give her that. Already, her four-year-old brain is fully capable of plotting an attempt to outwit her mother. Well-played my young friend, but not good enough! My powers of deduction and investigative skills are nearly impossible to overcome. Take notes and perhaps one day, you will outwit me. (Good luck. I seriously doubt that will ever happen – I’m the Queen of Diabolical.)

Joe is a great collector of all things orange. Joe loves to eat oranges. Joe digs the Oompa Loompas and declares them “awesome” in spite of their slightly freakish and off-putting appearance. He believes that they are the perfect shade of orange. So when I spied that enormous but indistinguishable orange blob on the wainscoting beneath your desk, I immediately thought, “&;#$%, JOE!”

What you failed to consider, young grasshopper, was Kate’s new ability to speak and she sang like a bird! You failed to silence the one and only witness to your evil orange blob-drawing deed! So when I inquired in a slightly high-pitched and piercing manner, “WHO DID THAT?” the witness clearly identified you as the perpetrator by toddling over to said blob, touching it and shouting, “Cookie!”…except that it sounded more like, “GOOGI!”

The final nail in your coffin? The orange crayon in the dryer.

Let’s just say that opening a dryer full of clean clothes coated in orange wax does not induce a Zen-like state of bliss. Sadly, when I spied that semi-melted stick of orange wax, my brain automatically assumed that it was poor Joe who left the crayon in his pocket.

After 20 minutes with OxiClean and a brush, I had calmed down a skosh. I scrubbed the hell out of those waxy-orange stained clothes and sent them back through the washing machine. Lucky for you, Applebee’s hands out cheap crayons that don’t stand up to the power of OxiClean! (Ahem…you’re welcome for the free product endorsement, OxiClean.)

As I scrubbed and sprayed and swore under my breath, it dawned on me. Wait…that crayon was from Applebee’s? Lest we forget, our last girl’s day out included lunch at that very establishment followed by a viewing of Tangled. If my memory is correct, you filched precisely one orange crayon. You staunchly denied ownership of the offending orange stain-inducer whilst batting your eyes in my direction, but you weren’t fooling me, missy! Your lame attempt to frame your brother was evil, pure EVIL!

Now, here’s a paint brush and some Sherwin Williams-Innocent Pink. Start painting, sister!

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  1. Sparkling says:

    Ugh, I remember lying one time about getting Desitin on my hand and pretended it was white crayon. I even knew there was a white crayon in the drawer and when my mother smelled the Desitin, she knew I was lying and demanded to see this crayon that writes on skin. Magically, that crayon was right there in the drawer and I whipped it out to show her, but the damned thing wouldn't write on my skin! What did I know? WHo knew she could smelled the stuff??? Lying is just so bad.

  2. Love this post! So glad we "met"! This is hilarious – love how you write!
    This really cheered me up!
    Thanks and congrats on 2 creative kids!!
    Hugs xxx

  3. I can't help but laugh. When my nephew was little he decided to paint a "mural" on his freshly painted bedroom wall (with markers). Oh yeah, that was fun times. Ah, kids!! Can't wait to have my own so I can share adventures!! 🙂

    I've never used OxiClean, maybe I should start??

    Have a great day!


  4. Ohh my gawd! I have to tell you, I am laughing even though I shouldn't be. Great post… and uh, I guess my kid will never be able to blame anyone else since she is an only child – hahahahaaaa!

  5. Do you have a dog, Skye? They'll resort to blaming the They don't discriminate in their finger-pointing. The little buggers 🙂

  6. This is hysterical. Well not the part about the Oxiclean, but she is clever.

    My brother once colored an entire wall. Wasn't smart enough to blame me, or maybe he was. I have a vague memory of pushing him down the steps.

  7. Oh this post made me laugh and cry. Laugh because, well, you are hilarious and such a great story teller. Cry because your children are older than mine and I was really hoping that all of this drawing on the wall business was going to end soon.

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