BOOBIES!

As I stood at the counter waiting for my change, my toddler’s hand repeatedly snaked down the front of my blouse. “I see boobies!” she yelled. I patiently extricated her hand only to have her plunge it right back into the depths of my bra. “Boobies, Mama, BOOBIES!” she shouted and threw her head back with laughter.

The cashier in Toys R Us was a 20-something man-boy sporting a low ponytail. He pretended not to notice but I could see the flush rising in his face as he tried to change the cash register tape and get me and my boobie-grabbing girl out of his sight. “Sorry about this” he mumbled and maintained strict eye contact as Kate fondled my left boob. He was trying very hard to pretend that she wasn’t there and that he wasn’t embarassed. Mostly, I think he was under the impression that I was embarassed. I wasn’t. I’ve built up my immunity.

As Kate let a rapid-fire string of “boobies” fly, he got flustered and dropped the roll of tape. Kate began occupying herself with the padding in my bra. Her little finger repeatedly poked at my bra through my shirt while she pulled the neckline foward to investigate what was happening behind the scenes. I’m sure that, as the door slid shut behind us, he laughed. 
Four years ago, Joe and I were in the women’s locker room at the Oak Square YMCA in Brighton, Massachusetts. We went there often. I’d run while Joe stayed in the childcare room, then I’d pick him up for a swim in the YMCA pool. It was in the changing room where Joe found his voice. I was changing out of my bathing suit when he loudly exclaimed, “Mommy, you’re pee-pee is Cuh-RAZY!” I wanted to die. I quickly shushed him and pretended that Joe hadn’t shared the condition of my ‘pee-pee’ with the current occupants of the locker room. No matter how hard I tried to gracefully move on from that moment, the kid wouldn’t drop it. “Why is your pee-pee all hairy?” I had nothing. I was mortified and just wanted him to stop. For so many reasons, I wanted him to stop. Mostly, I was reminded that it had been ages since my last bikini wax. My pathetic attempts at self-grooming were hindered by the gigantic belly holding our newest bundle of joy.

Suddenly the gravity of my situation came crashing down upon me. All at once, I felt very much like a mother. I looked around me and saw throngs of childless, twenty-something women snickering about my pee-pee. I wanted to slap those smug little freshly waxed bitches and say, “Just you wait! Someday you’ll have a kid and a hairy pee-pee too!”

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Comments

  1. Rancher Mom says:

    It's sad how quickly you can get used to being 'felt-up' by your kids in public. The middle boy used to smack at my girls and go "Moo cow. moo cow mama!"

  2. LOL!!! pool + binkini top + toddler on hip = flash show … every summer it never fails * *

  3. LOL OMG that's too funny. BOOBIES!!

  4. The Coexist Cafe says:

    Ohhhhh my god, that reminds me of when my brother accidentally saw my sister in the nude (they're 7 years apart), and he was like, "Why is your pee pee HAIRY?!" It was hilaaaaarious. XD

    I was talking to a coworker today, and she said that eventually, after kids, you get your dignity back. I don't think you've reached that point quite yet… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  5. melody-mae says:

    I think you get an A+ for this one…oh man, this was a great one!!! 'hairy pee-pee? LOL I LOVE this!

  6. Mrs. Sherman says:

    hahahahaha you said it best!!! Love it!!

  7. Tales of a Hockey Wife says:

    I laughed so hard I had to run to the bathroom and pee! Your button is now on my sidebar for making me laugh out loud today! Thank you for making my day!!

  8. Tales of a Hockey Wife says:

    wait, you don't have a button????? I will figure out a way to link it to your post today….

  9. Ohhhhhhhhh my God this is absolutely hysterical!!!! You are a wonderful writer — hairy peepee and all ๐Ÿ˜‰

  10. Judie Freer says:

    I had just brought my 3 year old daughter and the 3year old son of a friend from the pool to change clothes. I was standing naked in my room when the 3 year old, Kevin, walked in, poked me in the pee pee as he made his way to the the bathroom and nonchalantly said, "My Mommy has one of those.">

  11. holy crap…that was hilarious.

  12. LOL!!! That is so funny! First, boys are such little pervs…of course, you little dude would notice your lack of penis!!! My boys have all taken in upon themselves to discover mommy has no weenie-whacker! And the boobies…too funny!

  13. Mrs. Sherman says:

    HI! I left you an award on my blog today! Come on over check it out and claim it for your blog! Congratulations!
    http://momsbookshelf.blogspot.com/

  14. thefancyflea says:

    Honestly, I haven't laughed that hard in a LONG time ๐Ÿ˜›

  15. Hahahahah! Too funny!

  16. Rebel Chick says:

    I laughed pretty much the entire way through this post. Love it! We've all had those momma moments!

  17. happens every time my 3 yr old reaches up and says "uppy!" he puts his hands right on them. i hear you.

Trackbacks

  1. The Horror! says:

    […] some weird reason, the two of us seem doomed to experience boobie horrors together and always smack in the middle of Toys R Us… unless you count that time at the […]

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