How shall I say this… My winter coat has become quite large and I’m not talking about my outerwear. I’m referring to the layer of blubber that has accumulated and spread like a fungus over the past few months. What the hell happened? I am officially on my way to turning into a flabbed up and jiggly housewife. I’d like to say that I’m rocking that J Lo booty, but the truth of the matter is that I’m walking a dangerously thin line between a J Lo booty and what is sure to become a big fat ass unless I address the issue immediately.
It’s my own fault really. I haven’t gone running once since winter began. Clearly the ol’ metabolism is winding down, not to mention how much I’ve been enjoying those long winter evenings full of wine and cheese. There’s no way I can pass up the cheese when I’m waddling through Whole Foods. I stand before that case full of fine French cheeses and salivate. I stand there and dream of buying a herd of sheep or cows and crafting my own line of artisan cheeses. I fantasize about going to France to learn cheese making from an old French cheese making master… then Kate yells, “GO, GO MAMMA!” and my fantasy comes to to a screeching halt. The closest I can get to fulfilling my weird cheese fantasy is to buy a hunk of cheese and pair it with the appropriate delicious wine. Thus, I have created a vicious cycle wherein I continue to feed my growing ass. Kim Kardashian would be proud of me.
The other day when I was vigorously mixing pancake batter, I arrived at the horrible realization that my ass was moving in unison with my stirring. Well, that’s new! Fear is beginning to slowly creep in. It’s nearly time to confront the blubber build-up and subject myself to a full-length mirror inspection in broad daylight. It’s almost time to drag out the bikini, put it on and gasp in horror at the chunky beast that stands reflected before me. It won’t be pretty, but it has to be done. Consider it an intervention of sorts.
My sneakers are patiently waiting for me in the closet along with my vast wardrobe of running clothes. Last week I put it all on and then laid on the couch to read a magazine and provide Gwen with a squishy spot to rest her little head. Something tells me that its time to step away from the cheese and log some miles on the running shoes. I’ll grab my iPod and play the songs that I purposely loaded to fuel my hatred toward my big butt, namely “Baby Got Back”, “Fat Bottom Girls” and the explicit version of Will I Am’s “Big and Chunky”…because I like filthy lyrics.
Dread the day that you lean over and look into a mirror only to see a Shar Pei staring back at you.
I'm ready to hit the track and get back to my 5 mile walk several times during the week; need to feel the wind in my hair and hear my skin flapping in the breeze.
Nah, it's not that bad…and neither are you. Ignore Gwen, daughters can be vicious…
Hugs!
Hey girl…sorry you're down in the dumps. I was acutally prepping body for the summer de-robing by doing P90X. But I was attacked by some ridiculous germs and now my lungs feel like they are going to explode. I need to be in a swimsuit by May! Eeeek!!! Not good!!!
I read this post twice because all I could think of while reading through it the first time was, "Mmm.. Warm Almond Crusted Manchego and Shiraz…" How long til summer?!
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YAY!!! I get to use your button…I laughed out loud when I saw the "I would exercise but I'd spill my drink"…and Then I laughed about the butt moving as you stirred. I am sure this is not "Laugh out Loud funny" to you…but I was giggling. I always say…."The best part of the muffin is the muffin top!"
Cheers!
Wine gut…oh my god YES there is such an evil little thing. I'd like to say that saying yes to the chunky booty is nice and all for Kim Kardashian since hers is platinum and copyrighted so it's got to be. Us on the other hand, ugh shrug off chocolates and cookies and switch it out for sweat! Laughing still.
Hey you!! Did you see the new "Get Fit" Group at FTLOB???
I mostly blame this long crappy winter. And good movies. And chocolate. And Booze. But hell, if you even own a bikini, you're doing better than I have over the last 5 years!!
The 'I would exercise..' picture made me laugh so loud that I woke up the hubby. Sweet!
Hilarious, reading this after my son told me I have "room in my neck" I guess all this happens, huh? Although I am strangely happy that I just got over the flu so have some wiggle room in the weight department (and the jeans) for the next few days.
Well, living in snow country, you do get a by with the running thing. No one should have to slog away in this crappy slush, getting feet wet and freezing until you sweat and then your sweat freezes. It'll all come off this spring!!
You are so far from fat!!! But, I know the feeling…my body's metabolism is slowing down thanks to peri-menopause, and the pounds are packing on quickly. Soon spring will be here and you will be motivated to run again!