Crack is Whack!

My blogging friend, Rancher Mom made a fantastic point with her comment on my last post. She may not know what Urban Outfitters is, but she draws the line at Mom Jeans. She helped me recall that long ago, I made the following vows to myself:

  • I will never have children;
  • I will never ever drive a minivan; and
  • I will never, while I am still breathing, wear a pair of Mom Jeans. Never!

By now, I think you all know that I caved on vow numero uno not just once, not twice, but three times and I did so in rapid succession. Of course, along with rapid-fire baby birthing came the minivan. I cried when I had to drive it for the first time (my husband still thinks those were tears of happiness). However, with respect to my third and final vow (the Mom Jeans), I’m most definitely not caving. Ever. However, I concede that I need to find a happy medium because this isn’t pretty.

did you actually think I’d post my own crackage?

Quick look away before it gets creepy. Crack is whack!

It’s time for mommy to buy some mommy appropriate jeans. Ones that don’t provide the world’s population with a bird’s eye view of my coin-slot.

You see, the thing about motherhood and related house cleaning is that each requires a lot of movement in the form of bending, kneeling and floor sitting that reveal ‘crack’ when one is not appropriately attired. They don’t call ’em low-riders for nothin’! Truthfully, I often forget that I’m wearing low-riding Seven’s or my favorite True Religions. They’re all left over from my pre and early-baby years and I forget that I’m wearing them until a little voice helpfully chirps, “I see your butt crack, Mommy!”

As if that’s not bad enough, along with the announcement of a butt crack sighting, comes my weird compulsion to reach around, touch the exposed ‘crackage’ and confirm its existence. Why do I do this? What purpose does it serve? As if 1/2 inch of butt crack is A-Okay but an inch or more is wholly unacceptable? Next time I’m out at a playdate, maybe I should announce, “I’m only revealing a 1/4 inch of my coin slot today, I really try to tone it down for the under 5 set.”

Fellow mommy Jennifer Garner has also fallen prey to the coin slot reveal.

Last year I bought a pair of Joe’s Jeans on my quest to locate a pair that doesn’t expose crack cleavage or alternatively, have a waistband that rests just south of the girls. BINGO! I had them for nearly two months before I finally had them tailored and on day number one of wear, Stella’s sharp puppy teeth ripped a hole in the knee. Maybe she was making some sort of statement. Perhaps she enjoyed the view that my other jeans provide. Either way, given the fact that we have three growing children to dress, new jeans are a rare occurrence. It doesn’t help that I like my denim (stupidly) expensive. Why? Gap jeans look horrible on me and I’m vain like that.

It would be cheaper if I just attached one of these to my posterior to censor my crackage. A bit of electrical tape should do the trick and has the added benefit of allowing me to literally become a walking Glamour Don’t in the process! It’s a win-win for us all, really…
Having lived through the 70’s and 80’s, I have come to dread the return of high-waisted jeans. Chances are if you’re human, you aren’t going to successfully pull off this look. Here’s proof:
Not enough? How about this?
I’m sticking with my current denim wardrobe until I find a good replacement and in the meantime, I will take comfort in the fact that even Cinderella has fallen victim to the coin slot reveal.
If you are seriously opposed to the sight of other people’s cracks, click the brown box down below to leave a message for your local representative.
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  1. I am SO offended!! I am leaving a message in the brown box thingy ALL about this missy!!

    Hmm… seems to be some sort of error here…

    Ohhhhh… Tricky you!

    I hate crackage. I don't wear mom jeans but I don't wear low riders either. No one wants to see that part of me. EVER. Husband's opinion on this matter does not count.

  2. Hahahahahahahaha! Anything more than an 8 inch rise is in "Mom Jean" territory. Unfortch, for most you get the coin slot no matter what. Damn. Jenn Garner has less of a slot and more of a canyon going on, poor thing.

  3. Sparkling says:

    I am so sorry to say that recently, I saw some high waisted jeans in a catalog. And it wasn 't LLbean. Being 5'2", high waisted anything is just a disaster.

  4. Rancher Mom says:

    Happy to know that my comments are good for something hehe.

    Those crack pictures are going to give me nightmares, and someone needs to inform Jennifer Garner to wear a longer shirt if she insists on squeezing in to her pre-pregnancy jeans. 'Cause damn, I could park a Prius in that.

  5. Rancher Mom says:

    You have an award for being awesome on my blog, if you're in to that sort of thing. And no pictures of bum-cracks, I promise!

  6. livvieinlondon says:

    Low-rise jeans aren't "in" anymore Mama! GAP actually has some really cute skinny jeans that are normal rise (and crack-proof) – I'm not a mama myself, but have been nanny to several toddlers and understand the oh-my-god I'm wrangling a 18-month-old crying maniac into a stroller while the whole park-full of teenage boys are staring at my behind – please-god-let-my-pants-not-fall-down! hehe – get some mid-rise skinny jeans, I promise they are the opposite of "mom jeans"

  7. I think you missed the point Livvieinlondon. Low-rise, crack revealing jeans are the new "Mom Jean" because moms tend to wear their old, pre-baby jeans and clothe their children instead of buying new jeans for themselves. Any extra cash we have laying around goes to paying the babysitters and nannies, thus your ability to buy stylish mid-rise skinny jeans. πŸ™‚

  8. Katherina says:

    oh my… NEVER will I wear crach revealing jeans. I wonder if people even notice it when they do!

  9. Lucy The Valiant says:

    I am completely phobic about the crack reveal! When I was in college and doing student teaching practicums (on the floor, natch!) our supervisors would yell and send us home if they caught a glimpse of crack. And then count us absent! Since I couldn't afford new pants, I developed a system of placing my bag strategically behind myself!
    So now, any time I feel a draft, I feel a burst of panic and brace myself to get yelled at and sent packing!

  10. my3littlebirds says:

    So funny. But I don't know, is exposing your crackle worse than exposing your big old granny panties?
    Also funny: a post I did yesterday (on a different subject) had the same title as this one! : )
    I'm a new follower from FTLOB.

  11. Squashys Girl says:

    too funny!! visiting from FTLOB! will def. be following

  12. I totally needed this laugh today! THANK YOU!
    No mom jeans for me either!
    I show my crack. I dont want to but you know…it just happens.

    Happy Friday!

  13. Christine Siracusa says:

    I am mortified to report that sometimes the offender can be unaware of their offense. The accidental crack dealer, perhaps?! I spent an entire day, in the spirit of good will, giving the rusty fence at our neighborhood public school a much-needed makeover. I had NO IDEA that I was flashing the entire community (who I was TRYING to help!) until the next day when I was sun burned in some pretty embarrassing places. OY!

  14. I hate seeing crack! It's so tacky! I'm very particular with the jeans that I wear so this doesn't happen. I only wear low rise jeans. American Eagle makes a great lorries & seems like they were made especially for my body type, they are cute & anti~crackage πŸ™‚ Lovely blog you have here! I'm visiting from FTLOB. Hope you had a fantastic Friday!

  15. Great post!!! This post reminds me of the times that your off shopping or doing something else, when smack out of nowhere your struck with someone bent over in front of you giving you the half moon!

  16. It's hard not to look though, right Ross? Kind of like the car accident that you don't want to look at but can't tear your eyes away from…

  17. Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy says:

    Ha! I love it…well, actually, I don't love it at all. I kind of hate butt cleavage. Is it bad that I'm not a mom but have also fallen prey to this affliction? I'm a mom of three cats…yeah, that's it. I buy things for them instead of buying new, appropriately fitting jeans for myself. Yeah. I'm gonna stick with that explanation.

    Great (and hilarious) post! I found you through FTLOB, and I'll definitely be following.

  18. i always have a crack: mom jeans or not…not that i own a pair but even leggings…it just HAPPENS…damn it! i usually buy LONG ENOUGH shirts to go over my pants because god knows i'm always BENDING OVER! Bahahahahah:) have a nice weekend friend! btw: i saw this yesterday and didn't get a chance to comment…funny shit!

  19. Ms. Rice says:

    LMAO! I haven't bared any crack…thank God…but it's so humiliating to be wearing low or mid-rise dress pants or jeans and have a kid in your class tell you what color underwear you're wearing!!! My3littlebirds, they weren't even granny panties, but they might as well have been!

  20. Ms. Rice says:

    Oh, and you think the post-baby body is bad? Try the peri-menopause phase when your metabolism slows!!!

  21. hahaha!! Too funny! Those jeans from the 80's and 90's were so bad…ugh! But the crack-smackers of the 2000's are much more offensive. No one has a cute winking crack….nobody. But those all-the-rage high waisted jeans are equally horrendous. I fight the jean battle constantly (as documented in my "baby's got her blue jeans on" post) does one find a great pair that makes her butt look smokin' w/o selling her first born child??!!

  22. Pennington says:

    On the FTLOB weekend wander….And you now have a new follower! I loved this post. I hate when any style changes-it took me years to buy low rise (and then I had to redo my underwear collection because they all showed!). Now it seems that everything is a possible "crack out"! I am a computer tech so I get to crawl under people's desk while they sit behind me…I have learned, always wear a long shirt! Now they are getting hard to find so maybe I will use the black tape. πŸ™‚

  23. Builder crack is now officially mommy crack. That's feminism for you…

  24. Victoria KP says:

    Visiting from Red Dress Club–great post! I dread the return of the high-waisted jean of my youth. They are NOT pretty on us short folks. I wrote a related post a couple of months back you might get a chuckle out of…

  25. Sober Julie says:

    love this! I stopped by from TRDC and have to admit I have a slot πŸ˜‰ I just wear long tanks tucked in

  26. Andrea (ace1028) says:

    OMG, HILARIOUS!!! I don't usually have a slot cause my undies are too high up. Whoops. Probably TMI. But also, my jeans just don't fall down that way. Again, the underwear is on display more than the slot-something to do w/my shape, I suppose. Poor Jennifer Garner, but that totally reminded me of the US Weekly or whatever magazines have that "they're just like us!" series. Stars just like us, they show their butt-cracks, too! πŸ˜›

  27. stopping by from trdc linkup and you had me giggling with the pictures!!

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