Pretty Suckers

Like three tiny vampires, they sucked the pretty right out of me. The first two went relatively easy on the amount of beauty they stole. They sucked just enough pretty to allow me to replenish. They were kind enough to leave the pretty somewhat intact, considerately taking only what they needed. They didn’t cry too much, they slept through the night and, mostly, I only had to chase them around a Boston apartment with two bedrooms and no stairs in the living area. We all went to the gym together, we took advantage of Boston’s sidewalks and the Charles River Esplanade that was right around the corner. The park across the street wasn’t half bad either.
Then we moved to the country. We bought an 150-year-old house and got pregnant in the middle of our grand plans for tearing down plaster walls and renovating a barn (insert the sound of a scratching record here).
The third one is the real culprit. She’s the one who sucked the last vestiges of pretty out of me. Please, allow me to present the People’s Exhibit No. 1.

Exhibit No. 1 - Still Riding the Pretty Train

Exhibit No. 2 (below) shows me one full year after the photo in Exhibit No. 1 was taken. Notice that I was still riding the pretty train, looking fit and well-rested. I was running four times a week at that point. You can tell right? The gym was within walking distance to our apartment and they had free babysitting. God bless the Oak Square YMCA. I miss you.

exbibit no. 2 - still pretty

Then we moved away and purchased what I consider to be the mother of all Pretty Suckers.

Exhibit No. 3 - Evil Pretty Sucker

Just when we began tearing down 150-year-old plaster walls, we were struck with some rather unexpected news.

Exhibit No. 4 - Pretty Sucker Number Three

 Pretty Sucker extraordinaire was born nine months and one scaled back kitchen renovation later. Bathroom renovations? Forget about it. Walk in closet? Yeah, that became a pooky-pink nursery. Have you ever lived through construction in a 150-year-old house? That old horsehair plaster dust sure can travel! Not to mention the possibility of lead dust, the four steep and narrow staircases and drafty windows. So we sold the mother of all Pretty Suckers to provide a safe, warm and comfortable habitat for our little Pretty Suckers.

exhibit No.5

 Pretty Sucker Number Three looks like a beautiful, quiet baby doesn’t she? Look at her peaceful newborn slumber. Breathtaking, isn’t it? *sigh*

Well, here’s the reality of Pretty Sucker Number Three’s first two years.

exhibit no. 6

exhibit no. 7

exhibit no. 8
She is also the star of the Narragansett No. 7’s banner. She’s my muse.

Sometimes the Pretty Suckers can’t control their vicious nature and they are forced to squish themselves into small hiding places to avoid public detection. On the day that this photo was taken (Refer to Exhibit No. 9), Pretty Sucker Number Two was feeling particularly vicious. It hid in this spot at LL Bean in Freeport for 20 full minutes before re-emerging in the form of a child. Under no circumstances should you approach a Pretty Sucker during this heightened state of agitation. They will scream very loudly and there is a strong possibility of a nasty bite. Slowly back away and pretend to ignore the Pretty Sucker. Attempt to make eye contact with the horrified adults in the general vicinity while pretending that the Pretty Sucker belongs to someone else. If possible, laugh and snap a few pictures, but do so from a distance to avoid further provocation.

exhibit no. 9

The male Pretty Sucker is relatively quiet and has a terrific sense of humor. These days he tends to leave me and my minuscule amount of remaining beauty alone. That is, if I allow him to assume his alter ego and scare the other two Pretty Suckers.

In my earliest days with the Pretty Suckers, I foolishly thought they would allow me to retain my pretty. I read them bedtime stories in skinny jeans and a pair of Jimmy Choos before going on dates with their daddy. My hair was still long and luxurious. Well, I was stupid!
Four short years and the addition of Pretty Sucker Number Three has left me in a rather haggard state. I’m considering Thermage coupled with a chemical peel to attack my fine lines and wrinkles… 
Click the brown box below if you would like to donate to my plastic surgery fund. Okay, not really…but a click on the box will register a vote for No. 7 at Top Mommy Blogs!
Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory


  1. I am glad I didn't have much pretty to start with LOL! Donated 🙂

  2. And nice banner too!! 🙂

  3. At least plastic surgery can save your pretty. My three kids made me stupid. There's no cure for that.

  4. Rancher Mom says:

    Damn! And I thought that I had aged after the last munchkin was born!
    I would like to think that we un-age after they all leave the house and move on with their own lives. I would -like- to think that.

    *skips off to vote*

  5. Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy says:

    "We have found the witch! May we burn her?" was my hubby's response to the picture above. I had to read this aloud to him. There's only a couple of blogs I do that with, but I've found yours is now one of them.

    The pretty sucker is a creature I'm quite familiar with…mine comes in the form of my 9 to 5. It is the king of the pretty suckers. We must all bow to it.

    Another hilarious post! I wanna blog like you when I grow up 🙂

  6. LOL! mercy…so glad we didn't go for a third child!

  7. Exhibit #3, though it might be super old, is gorgeous! Goodness…I would trade my little POS house for that one anyday.

  8. Were you in my head over the past few weeks? 'Cause I've been wondering when holey shirt mom took over my body?! I looked in the mirror one day and honestly though "How can Mike look at me?! I look horrible!" I guess that's one form of birth control…haha

  9. Yep, that's what we said Lindsey…until it that house started sucking our bank accounts dry. We bought a new house, made of old house parts and no one can tell how old it is 😉 Plus, the windows go up and down with one hand vs. punching and a hammer.

  10. Tales of a Hockey Wife says:

    I think "the last child" sucks it out of you. Whether the last child is number 2, 3, 4, etc. I had my first and ended up weighing less than before I had her…my second…still have 15 lbs I need to lose 4 years later! I was lured by my first…and my second sucked the life out of me…and my bladder!


  11. Oh you make me laugh 🙂

  12. Hmm…I'm questioning my desire to become a mother now lol.

  13. Robin @ Pink Dryer Lint says:

    Well said, indeed!

  14. The Coexist Cafe says:

    I'm with LesleyRH. There's only so much pretty that can be sucked from this Steph! 😉

  15. Well said. This is why I stop at pretty sucker #1. Brilliant plan isn't it?

    The photo of you in skinny jeans and Choo's kills me.

  16. zach&katies crazymom says:

    no matter how much pretty they suck out of us they are worth it in the end. and yes…it is the PERFECT form of birth control.
    i too was lured into #2 by my oh so cute #1 and boy oh boy the pretty changed so quickly. 10lbs,15lbs….just won't go away. and the hair…grow it long so you don't have to style it and one day i looked in the mirror and thought 'omg…i look like those mid life crisis mommies who try to look 20 something!' YIKES so off i went and finally got my hair chopped and styled and colored and my daughter says, i don't like it…you always wear your 'perfect clothes' when your hair looks like that, not your mommy stuff! and my son parts my hair and says, geez mom, looks like you still have lots of grey in there!
    ugh…they suck it out and rub it in!!!!!!!!!!

  17. I found your blog via the Circle of Moms list (I'm on there, too) and had to comment that I really understand the pretty-sucker phenom (also I am a NY expat, Boston expat, and now at home with my boys while completing my M.A. in English). I look at photos of the last ten years and say "When did the dewy look disappear? When exactly did the hotness go?" I was never HOT, but this is really NOT HOT. I just console myself that, as the body devolves, the mind improves. Right? Right?

  18. I LOVE you. The idea that they are like feral creatures is the perfect description. They are…f**king pretty suckers. Hahahahaha. I may use that sometime.

    And yes, I lived through one of these horrendous rennovations (and a kid who never seemed to stop crying too) and it is NOT for the weak-hearted.


  1. […] that time I wrote about how three children and that house had sucked the pretty right out of me? No? Well, click on those words back there and you’ll find out why I’m so hideous. […]

  2. […] This is a ridiculous poem that I just wrote five minutes ago in an immature revenge against my middle daughter. Her ballet recital was tonight. Despite countless hours chauffeurring her, styling her hair, applying mascara and sitting at the ballet studio (which ain’t the cleanest joint in town) she picked Daddy to take her to the recital alone. “I pick Daddy, Mommy can stay home and watch Kate.” Oh, and if you’re wondering what a Pretty Sucker is, click here. […]

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