Knock, Knock, Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door?

I’ll admit that I’ve been slightly too busy to really pay much attention to the fact that the rapture is happening today. In fact, it wasn’t until Wednesday morning that I noticed references to the rapture at all. What with Facebook and Twitter being my current source of all things news-worthy, I turned to David and asked him what was going on. Except it sounded more like this…

Why the hell is everyone talking about rapture?

Some mathematician figured out that Saturday at 6:00 p.m. the rapture will happen.

For real?

Well. He gave a date once before but nothing happened, so he re-figured his equations and found a mistake in his math. So now it’s this Saturday. At 6:00.


It was right about then that I began singing Rapture and haven’t gotten it out of my head all week long. As a kid, I could recite Blondie’s (lame) rap verbatim.

..Out comes from the man from Mars and you try to run but he’s got a gun and he shoots ya dead and eats your head. I seriously hope it doesn’t go down that way.

Monsters v. Aliens

Last night I enjoyed a glass of the loveliest Robert Mondovi cabernet sauvignon courtesy of Aunt Lorraine (the Faherty Aunt Lorraine, not the Hadfield-Butironi Aunt Lorraine). Okay, it was actually two delicious glasses. Don’t judge. It’s been a very long and dreary week here in Maine and that wine seemed like a little bit of liquid sunshine as it went down.

By the third half of my second glass, I’d begun seriously pondering the ‘what-if’ of it all. The combination of tannins and soft-oak nuances provided a moment of clarity. What if, in this post-Y2K era we’ve all become so desensitized to threats of The End that we’re not prepared for the real The End? Can you blame us? After all, The House of Yahweh predicted The End on October 14, 2000 and nothing happened. Marshall Applewhite’s alien spaceship ride to a ‘level higher than human’ never really panned out, did it? Though, technically, I guess we’ll never know, because those 39 ‘vehicles’ of the Heaven’s Gate cult committed suicide alongside their leader, ‘Do’ (aka Marshall Applewhite). Who am I to say that they aren’t enjoying the higher level as I type about the ridiculousness of their beliefs? But seriously…they were ridiculous.

Marshall Applewhite, Heaven's Gate

One of the classes I took in my criminology studies was dedicated to cults and mass suicides. We dove into the sociopathic tendencies of the leaders of those cults, Peoples-Temple, Heaven’s Gate and The Order of the Solar Temple. Taking into account the violent end that met the Branch Davidians in 1993, thanks to their self-proclaimed final prophet, Vernon Wayne Howell…er, David Koresh, I’m slightly skeptical about today’s rapture.

Criminology has left me cynical. I think God understands that and if, indeed, the rapture occurs as we sit down for dinner this evening, I like to think that we’ll be invited to take the ride to heaven. So, pardon me if I proceed as I normally would on this Saturday, May 21, 2011. I’ll write, love my family, pet my dog, clean some toilets and probably yell a little too.


  1. Gotta say, I’m not changing my routine today either. I figured if the rapture does come today, I might as well have clean hair. Want to look good, wherever I end up. 😉 Happy Saturday!

  2. I’m going to still yell at the husband. I might be lazy and enjoy the rain. I’m not doing anything differently either. Now that this is out of the way, we all have to wait for Dec. 2012. *lol*

    • We’re all going to die, Bernie. That’s what the prophecy says. Let’s hope they got the math right this time.

  3. Well I think you’ve lost your mind. I will certainly NOT be cleaning any toilets today. Pfffffft!


    • You’re so right. I skipped scouring the can but we did find the toilet brush in the family room tonight. Ick.

  4. All I want is for my blog to appear on WordPress before and if Rapture happens. Other than that, I’m here at HeadCases, working with your sister today. I keep telling all the clients that I can see the water level on Lake Mahopac rising. Some people are sooooo gullible.

    Oddly enough, we have Seagulls sitting on cars here in the lot…leaving Seagull presents all over the cars.

    Something’s up.

  5. I’m totally unprepared for the rapture. And in my time zone, there’s exactly one hour left. Don’t know if I lived the day to its fullest, but I lived it as I would have normally. Brunch with friends, writing, trip to Home Depot. But I must say, if Rapture is today, Thank God, I had biscuits and gravy one last time this morning.

    By the way, some day I want to hear lots and lots of stories from your Criminology studies. If I hadn’t majored in English, I would have totally gone for Criminology.

    • Are you there, Katie? Hello? Shit…she raptured.

      I have some serious criminology stories. My main focus was homocide and all the ugliness that goes with it. I’m a morbid girl.

  6. I am SOOOOOO disappointed. I was really looking forward to meeting Jesus. Maybe he meant 6pm Pacific time?

    • I’m going to go ahead and fess up…there was a little part of me that looked at the clock, saw that it was 5:55, and I summonded my children to the kitchen while I cooked dinner. You know, just be sure that we were all together and/or to watch them go to heaven without me. I’m still recovering from a lifetime of Catholic guilt.

  7. Well, you know I ain’t going anywhere. 😉 So… wanna party it up? Rapture or no rapture, we’re here regardless!

  8. ok you have convinced me, and since I am still alive this morning I going to do it… time to say goodbye to blogger!

  9. one of my friends had a facebook status: “did it just not happen, or are so few of us pure of heart that no one noticed?”

  10. Well obviously I’m a tad behind on my reading since I missed the end of the world and all. That Marshall Applewhite and his scary stare…he freaks me out to this day.

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