Mom Jeans and Mommy Juice

I dragged all three kids to Target to stock up on my dorm room shopping list.

God help me…on so many levels.

Can you imagine trying to match pajama bottoms to pajama tops and coordinate a bathrobe in the presence of 3 children age six and under? Wait…what am I thinking? Of course you can and that’s why you’re here reading my horror story.

There I was, 6 minutes into the Target excursion. Kate was buckled into the cart, Gwen stood on the back and I parked Joe at the front. My instructions were explicit. “Don’t move, keep your voices down and don’t lick anything.” You see, Joe has a bit of a weird oral fixation. He’s had it since he was a baby, which made complete sense because he was a baby. Now he’s six. He licks his sisters, he licks the dog, and sometimes he licks things like shopping carts.

Within minutes, I was overwhelmed by the sheer variety of pajama bottoms. Finding matching pajamas, each piece in the same size, isn’t as simple as it sounds. In addition to the visual stimulation, my children were already behaving like animals. Kate had somehow wiggled free of the buckle and was standing up in the shopping cart. Actually, not so much standing but  doing that weird toddler dance – the one where they bend at the knee and bop up and down. Anyway, she was bopping to Gwen’s loud rendition of  Frank Sinatra’s Strangers in the Night.

Elmo in the night…he’s such a butthead, Elmo in the night…I’ll throw him out the window…

Back in the days when I was childless and pajama shopping was simple, I would have been horrified by the mother whose children were so clearly out of control. I mean, how can she not hear them? Doesn’t that woman care that her son is simultaneously laughing at the dancing baby and licking the shopping cart?

Meltdown stage was nigh.

I hid behind a rack filled with Nick and Nora jammies. My blood pressure was rising and, for the briefest of moments, I contemplated buying a pair of Hello Kitty jammies. It would have been so much easier. They came in a set and my size was clearly available. Thankfully, I shook that idea off. Mostly because I’m not 13.

I hunkered down next to nightgowns covered in sock monkeys and attempted to relax with some deep breathing. Unfortunately, I’d reached the point where all I could think was, just give me one more bleepin’ minute you little bleepity bleep bleeps!

I finally found a pair of Calypso for Target pajamas on the clearance rack. They are the right size, totally cute and completely inappropriate for sleeping in a dorm…at my age. Let’s face it, I’m no House Bunny. 

Whatever. I’ve come to the conclusion that excursions like this are the reason for things like Mom Jeans. We’re just grabbing the most convenient items off the racks in an effort to get the hell out of whatever store we’re in before the shit hits the fan. Outings like that also call for things like “Mommy Juice” which is Gwen’s name for wine. Tonight I think I’ll have an extra strength Mommy Juice. Straight up.

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Comments

  1. My son licked a garbage can at the gym today…and then his brother did it, too. Woman, I feel your pain on the deepest level. You enjoy that Mommy Juice.

  2. I have a licker, too.

    I’ve been babysitting three under five for the last month. I have no idea how you Moms of Many do it. I would never attempt a target outing with my brood unless I had duct tape. And mommy juice in a flask on my hip.

  3. I’d like to understand the lick-thingy, too; one of my Grandsons (who shall remain nameless) does that. He licks the chair, his arm, the wall….is it because he’s around cats, who lick everything?

    Glad you got out of Target, relatively unscathed; bet that Mommy Juice is going down realllllll easy! You deserve it!

  4. So I’m not laughing AT you… but I am laughing!

  5. I am just sitting here smiling…been there done that!!! Now I get to watch my girls with their littles…what comes around ya know??? My middle daughter was a terror I tell ya, in a store…oh my and now I get to watch her with my grandson and I get to sit and smile while he drives her bonkers…LOL
    One day you can smile while, Joe. Kate and Gwen have littles and they are licking, jumping and singing! 🙂

  6. Some well deserved mommy juice indeed!

  7. Oh yeah girl…let it out…I feel you! Enjoy your juice cause, well, you NEED it! You were very brave to take the little heathens to target with you…very brave indeed.

  8. Target should have someone at the door handing prizes to those of us who have to take our kids with us to shop there. The prize algorithm will include something to do with the more kids you have, the younger they are and closer in age they are, the bigger the prize.

    For example, I have 2 kids -2yrs apart aged 4 & 6. I should IMMEDIATELY be handed single-serving bottle of champagne if I exit the store with both of them still on my person and neither bleeding profusely from the head. The person who hands it to me needs to put my bags in the truck while I wrangle my offspring into their seats.

    People with 3 or 4 kids in that age range? A box of Dom Perignon and a mini pedicure.

    • Can I get a hallelujah? Amen!! That is possibly the best idea. Ever. Also…the funniest thing I’ve read all day.

  9. I’ve never heard of this licking phenomena. Like they just lick random things? Interesting. My cat randomly licks our armchair. I guess kids are just as weird as cats maybe. Then again cats are pretty dang weird.

    Anyway, as much as I hated you were in that chaotic moment, I loved reading this. As usual, you make me feel like I’m right there, living the experience you’re writing about. And as usual, I’m left wondering how you moms do it. You’ve got my never-ending respect.

  10. Mommy Juice! Hilarious. My kids are older, but, man, I still hate shopping at Target. They don’t lick things anymore, but they look at “hair stuff”, earrings and makeup…

  11. I am needing some more mommy juice right about now. Just the one earlier is NOT cutting it. The image of the toddler dance in the cart to “Elmo in the Night He’s such a butthead…” has me cracking up, woman! Oh god. It’s just so terrible, isn’t it????

  12. Posts like this are the reason I read blogs. I was right there with you through this story. Love the take on the Sinatra song too. Your son has a promising career ahead I believe.

    I blame shopping trips like this for not only my mom jeans, but also the fact that all I ever wear are the one pocket v-neck tees from target which I have in 15 colors.

  13. Too funny! I so understand………..and I only have one kid. And that sucked going shopping with him, 3 would be very hard.
    Love your humor…..always make me Laugh!

  14. Oh, I just laughed out loud. I love that about you 😉

  15. Like Nina, I don’t know how you Mom’s with many get around. I think I would have to be heavily medicated and have a sippy cup of Mommy Juice.

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