Trouble

I have lots of trouble. At least that’s what I told myself this morning as I stood in Target looking at the workout DVDs. I’m not into Zumba. Don’t get all huffy and bent out of shape, I’m not passing judgement on the Zumba cult! Zumba looks like an enormous amount of fun if you’re… I don’t know, coordinated. I am not. Somewhere along the line my coordination vanished.

*POOF*

I took ballet as a kid, jazz, some gymnastics and I was even a cheerleader before I decided that drinking beer and smoking skinny cigarettes under the bleachers was more fun than doing splits in the middle of the gym at half-time. I suspect that  if I were to attend a Zumba class, I’d probably take out an entire row of women with my flailing, graceless gyrations. Why, just yesterday I walked smack into the open dishwasher door and went careening across the kitchen, washing the walls and floor in berry punch flavored Juicy Juice.

In the face of my spastic inability to dance, I like to run. But I don’t.

You see, last year I suffered the mother of all sinus infections and just stopped. In essence, I have done nothing other than sit on my atrophied posterior for the past year. Sure, I occasionally (rarely) ventured downstairs to use the treadmill, but mostly I just sat around writing, napping or reading books and it was lovely. I honestly don’t ever remember being so still. If I were a dog I’d most definitely be one of those shaky little terriers that never stops moving, snarling, playing and barking. Like Stella. Stella is the dog version of Kelli. Yet, over the past 12 months I’ve become the equivalent of a big old lazy Bassett Hound. No, that’s not right… I’m an aging, overweight Shar Pei. Yes, I’m thin but I’m developing weird jiggles and wrinkles in places that never jiggled or wrinkled before. For example, when I run up the stairs now, my ass continues moving for a half second after I’ve stopped. There’s also that thing where my outer thighs have begun pooching out with a layer of fat I’ve never seen before. It pains me to say it but, I have fat, flab and an ass that’s threatening to climb up my back and park somewhere that I never imagined my ass could go.

My Canine Soul Sister

I’ve noticed all of these new things over the past week or so. Like last week when I put on a pair of shorts that, two years ago looked perfectly lovely and cute. This year, I caught my reflection in the glass door on our porch and nearly fell over. Do those saddle bags belong to me? Then, just to punish myself, I put on my skimpiest bikini. Yup, I did.  The one I used to wear at Orient Beach in St. Martin where clothing is optional. By the way, have you ever noticed that the only people who actually choose to go nude are chubby seniors?

Anywho, I took that bikini off so quickly you’d have thought it was made of battery acid.

Yesterday I squeaked out a mile and half on the treadmill. I used to run 5.

This morning, at Target, I rolled the girls around filling the cart with diapers, laundry detergent and other equally unexciting items and thought about the load of trouble I’ve gotten myself into. I realized that after years of stringent excercise and healthy food consumption, I finally opened the door and invited the flab to come on in. It’s like a vampire, right? Once you invite it in, you’re doomed. Unless of course you’re a painfully bland teenager who recently moved to Forks. In that case, you’re good. Carry on.

As I rolled around Target pondering my big ass, er…trouble, something magically caught my eye. There, on the top shelf, awash in a beam of light from heaven was a DVD called No More Trouble Zones from Jillian Michaels. Last year I did P90X, but somewhere near the second week, I wanted to punch Tony Horton in the face. I can’t stomach Tony Horton’s incessant babble again. So Jillian Michaels, bring it on. Yell at me. Tell me I’m loser. Go right ahead and call me a lazy bitch because nothing, and I mean nothing, gives me more incentive than a fellow bitchy woman. If I could hire another chick to come to my house and run on a treadmill next to mine, all the while looking over at my time and speed, increasing her own to match, I’d be a fit and skinny in no time. That’s why I used to love the Oak Square YMCA. I’d pick a treadmill right smack in the middle of a bunch of girls and run like the wind. I nearly always won the race.

I smell a lawsuit!

Jillian claims her workout will “Eliminate Love Handles, Muffin Tops and Wobbly Arms for Good!” Let’s hope she threw a little something in there for saddle bags, wine guts and double chins because once I’m flabless again, I’m going to run like the wind!

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Comments

  1. When I saw that picture of Jillian with your caption, I immediately though “Well I smell a butt crack!”

    Anyway.

    Looks like a bunch of us have gotten sick of feeling the jiggle at the same time. That’s awesome! When we are all back to our svelte selves, we should meet up in NYC or something. You could make us feel like insiders. It would be my dream come true. I am even crying a little on the inside just imagining that awesomeness….

    🙂

  2. I had never done Zumba…then I got a wild ingrown hair and decided to get my certification without ever taking it! I am now taking it three times a week…and I actually really enjoy it. You don’t have to be coordinated…just willing to move! I think you would love it!

    I agree with you on P90X….I hated how he counted the reps, drove me nuts!!!!

    Good luck with Jillian….I had tried one of her videos, but she wasn’t my favorite.

    I am sure you look just fine!

    Cheers!

    • Thanks, lady! I need to get into shape before I start running again. Let’s hope Jillian either bores me or ticks me off enough to get that ball rolling. Or…I could just find a gym full of super-competitive women.

  3. Try having six kids, turning fifty, and marrying an Italian man that loves food and wine as much as…well, you understand. I used to be a tiny, little red head with muscles, now, well, I still have red hair.

  4. I keep saying “Next week… Next week… Next week I’ll start {working out} {eating better}… ANyway here I am 50 thousand weeks later … and much larger LOL. It sucks. Why can’t we all look like Heidi Klum??

  5. Good for you!! I could never go the exercise route–I pretty much have no desire to do anything but yoga (although I would LOVE zumba–why doesn’t zumba come with babysitters?). I had to do the diet thing for the first time in my life this year–Weight Watchers. Sigh. But it worked! Took forever, but it worked. I wish I was a skinny, pale teenager in Forks, because then I’d have my teenage metabolism back!! Come get it, Edward! 😉

  6. Hey girl!!! This post cracked me up. lol I also am not a fan of all the fad dieting and workouts. lol LAME-O! haha I’ll stick with my gym equipment. 🙂

    I can not tell you how thankful I was to see your STELLAR comment on my newest post for the TL&TLB song worth a 1000 words prompt! TOTALLY made my night. 🙂 SO AWESOME!!!! haha

    BTW-your blog rox it out. I’m now following so I don’t miss a post!

    Jenster @ Jems From Jenny

  7. I just recently had the same exact moment. Uhhhhh these shorts were adorable right last year! Whose ass is that?

  8. Dude, y’all are all showing me up! You, Nina, Dweej. All starting on this weight loss/get fit journey. Good for you guys! I’ll be watching…right here from this spot on the couch.

  9. I feel your pain. A few weeks ago, a friend asked me if I was pregnant because she had noticed a little pooch. She meant well, but I had to be honest. It’s just a fat roll. I swore I was going to do the 30 day shred and come out skinny and taunt on the other side, but alas, I have done the shred, um, twice in the past three weeks. Hello, one piece.

    Good luck with your exercise endeavors. May you have motivation and energy to spare. And if you do, please send some my way. 🙂

  10. Thank goodness I’m not the only one who likes to smash into major household appliances. I swear to God, those things jump out at me. “All right . . . who moved the fridge again?”

    I feel your pain. I don’t run and was so uncoordinated my dance teacher hinted I’d be better off pursuing my ice hockey career when I was a child. Now I walk and obviously, not enough.

  11. “I was even a cheerleader before I decided that drinking beer and smoking skinny cigarettes under the bleachers was more fun than doing splits in the middle of the gym at half-time.” HA! I totally did the same thing!

    BTW, I have a Jillian Micheals DVD and I watch it on mute-it’s a great workout but I can only take so much of voice haha Good luck!

  12. Please keep us posted if this is good!! It would be ashamed for me to exert myself by going to target and possibly burning some calories for nothing!!!

  13. It would be a shame!!! A shame!!!!! #%*ing Ipad…….

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