Dear Rage Filled Stranger,

Today you clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed. You climbed into your SUV and drove like a bat out of hell right into the parking lot of Target and Starbucks. This, my rage filled adversary, is where you met me.

Pardon my egress into the cross walk. Clearly, my walking interrupted your qualifying lap for the Indy 500. By the way, kudos for your ability to navigate crowded parking lots with such speed! What a skill set you have. Seriously, the remarkable ability to disregard any semblance of safe driving, coupled with the knack of driving with one hand on the wheel and the other holding your cell phone to your left ear. Now, that’s real talent!

You were so right. How dare I interrupt your reckless abandon and complete disregard for the safety of countless people! Far be it from me to interrupt your very important conversation and distracted driving. Yet, I feel compelled to let you know one thing, my rage-filled friend…I think your initial assessment of me was way off. Perhaps you simply saw a petite woman. Your quick glance as you nearly ran me over left you with the impression that I was a bit younger than I actually am.

Admit it, you thought you saw an easy target and sprang at the opportunity to attack someone “safe”. You were in such a hurry yet, you clearly had enough time to turn your car around, park, and enter the store to search for me. Well, you sure found me, didn’t you? I have to tell you, when you began yelling at my back I had no idea who the crazy yelling woman was talking to. Like all of the other patrons, I turned to see who the lunatic was and what she was screaming at.

This is where you made a mistake, lady. First, crunchy looking women with long, stringy middle-parted hippie hair generally don’t carry an air of intimidation. If you plan on verbally assaulting someone in public, might I suggest that you toughen up your look a bit? Your cardigan, Birkenstocks and Gap jeans don’t necessarily say, “Hey, I’m gonna kick your ass now.”

Secondly, before you begin said verbal assault, you should really take a moment to size up the target of your tirade appropriately. Your initial impression might be way off. Perhaps your quick glance as you raced through the cross walk left you with the impression that she was an easy, non-threatening target, but she’s not easily scared. When confronted by angry SUV driving women, she will stare at her pathetic attacker as if she is a complete animal. She will laugh at your assertion that your Acura “has cameras” and point out that they would have come in handy for the police, in proving that your lunatic driving caused you to strike a pedestrian in the middle of a cross walk… while you were talking on the phone.

In fact, Rage Filled Lady, your target is quite cunning. She has already assessed the situation. She is forming a response that will make your head spin. She will take advantage of the growing crowd that is gaping at your wacked-out tirade and use your rant to her advantage. You see, she has a fair amount of experience with nut bags like you whose initial assessments were also way off.

She might be small, but she’s nearly 40, she’s from New York and she can take you down with her cunning. She’ll piss you off even more with some fairly patronizing and/or sarcastic responses. She’ll use her small size to her advantage and, as you grow angrier and yell louder, people will begin to feel protective of her. Soon, you will realize that people are staring at you. It will dawn on you that the crowd is questioning your sanity and wondering if you are dangerous. You’ll catch your target’s eye and she will smirk with a raised eyebrow, underscoring the fact that she is better at this game. Oh, and, as you experienced, she is not opposed to pulling out her cell phone and offering to dial 911 so that perhaps the police could come and chat with the woman who followed her into a public place to threaten and intimidate her. She’s considerate like that, especially after nearly being run over by your giant speeding SUV.

My last bit of advice is this: in the future, when you realize that you honed in on the wrong target, try to make it look like you aren’t running away. You should walk with your head held high and own your stupidity. You might as well have something to be proud of when you realize that you acted like a crazed animal in front of a crowd.

All the Best,

Me

p.s. I recently wrote a couple of blogs about mean girls that you might find interesting.

Comments

  1. I am laughing my ass of right now. Way to go Kel. Wish I could have witnessed this with my own eyes!

  2. That was probably my mom.

  3. No Sunny, it was probably my mom, about 20 years ago. (She actually DID try to run over one of my brides maids at my wedding, but that’s another story.) Kelli, you are the bomb!! You are awesome in a way that we all aspire to! I love that you kept your wits about you enough to deal with that douche bag in a way that had her running scared at the end. Good for you for standing your ground and making her look even more ridiculous. This was so well done! I loved the story and plan on sharing it with a few friends. Way to go, Cunning Girl!

  4. Are you serious??????? What is wrong with people?! This was absolutely hilarious though. I’m forcing my husband to read it!

  5. I LOVE THIS!!! You RULE!

  6. “Cardigan, Birkenstocks and Gap jeans”…I think you described me…well, not the cardigan part:) What a funny story. I wish I could have witnessed it.

  7. You are awesome!!! I so wish I could’ve seen this go down! I totally would’ve had your back 😉

  8. Whoa what a weirdo! Hahaha man I would have loved to be one of the spectators. No, not you, my dearest brave friend who has my complete and utter awe, just a spectator. 🙂 I would have stood there holding my cell phone, squeaked out a few words: “are, you, talking, to, ME?” and then my doe eyes would have filled up with tears that I would try bravely – yet in vain – to blink away.

    Oh yeah, and my ears would have turned a funky shade of reddish-purple. Not because I felt that she was right or that I was wrong, but because I had suddenly found myself in the middle of an unprovoked public confrontation with a lunatic. I grew up wih that! No more! All done! 😉

  9. The bitch! I must be in a total ass-kicking mood lately, because even though this probably happened months and months again, I totally want to hunt this jerk down myself. Are you serious that she FOLLOWED you into a store? I mean, really? All the time she spent chasing you she could have spent safely driving like any other normal person. Heaven forbid anyone be delayed from their destination by even a minute!

  10. Did you actually respond? Or stay silent as she rambled on and on and on..?

    And do we have surveillance video on You Tube yet?

  11. This is awesome! I especially love that you assert yourself w/your language! There’s nothing like kicking someone’s ass verbally and them not initally realizing it.

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