Potty (Mouth) Update

Gwen is potty training Kate.

That’s right, my daughter who just turned 5 yesterday afternoon is teaching my 2 1/2 year old how to use the can. I have to hand it to her, she’s doing one heck of a good job!

I’ve tried but Kate hates everyone except Gwen. I think that’s because Gwen is the only one who still tolerates her foul-mouthed tirades. Gwen is such a nice little girl – a natural teacher.

Last weekend we bought Kate a potty seat because she “HATES potties!” I’ve been carefully suggesting that she might like to poop on the potty for a few weeks now, but she has made her stance on the Baby Bjorn potty clear. Mostly, by hurling it across the bathroom and screaming, “NO! I HATE POTTIES!” Notice I used the word “hurling” so that you would understand why I would “carefully” suggest using the potty.

She’s a dream…and not a good one, if you catch my drift.

Since we happened to be in Toys R Us on Saturday, I thought I’d let Kate pick out her own potty seat. You know, to give her a little bit of ownership over the location of her bowel movements. There were three choices. Elmo, Dora and Disney Princesses. She hated all of them.

“I HATE POTTY SEATS!” She screamed. Except it sounded like this: I HATE POTTY THEATS!

“I want this one.” She started patting a Baby Bjorn potty exactly like the one we have at home.

“We already have that potty Kate.”


I’m beginning to think she might have some type of personality disorder.

Dave and I exhaled at each other and I briefly fantasized about hanging her on a fixture in the baby section. Somehow, I’m fairly sure that most folks aren’t in the market for a whacked-out girl baby that screams profanity-laced hate diatribes. I imagine that she’d be fast-tracked to the clearance bins and then just sit there for a while getting dusty. And screaming…and cursing.

“Fine,” I said, taking a stance, “I’ll pick one for you.” I chucked the Disney Princess potty sit into the cart.


“Who’s Mommy’s sweet little pumpkin?”

Insert more screaming here.

Yesterday I was putting the final touches on the cream cheese and jelly sandwiches when Gwen ran into the kitchen to tell me that Kate had just peed on the potty. Joe and I looked at one another hopefully then ran to the bathroom to find Kate wiping herself with piece toilet paper lint and her fingers.

“Yay! Katie you peed on the potty!”

“No. You ahhh-sole, mommy.”

“Don’t call my mommy an asshole!” Gwen defended.

You’re wondering how she learned to say asshole, aren’t you? Well, it all started when we were in the minivan driving to Toys R Us. Seriously, here’s how it went down…

Kate was babbling and annoying Joe who desperately wanted “a quiet ride” despite the fact that there were four other people in the car. (Because I forgot to give him his ADHD medication and the noise was causing him to flip out.) The more Kate babbled, the more annoyed he became. The more annoyed he became, the more Kate babbled and it continued on like that for at least 8 miles. If you haven’t experienced 8 miles (that’s 12.87 km in case you were curious) of a completely idiotic argument between a two year old and a seven year old, you’ve escaped a tiny corner of hell. True story.

At some point, Joe attempted to pull out the big guns and get Kate into serious trouble, thus forcing her into a state of silence. “Kate just called me an asshole!”

“No she didn’t.”

“I’m serious. She called me an asshole.”

“Ahh-sole. Ahh-sole. Ahh-sole.”

“Now she’s saying, asshole Joe!”

“You ahh-sole, mommy.”

So there you have it. Joe taught Kate to say asshole.
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  1. Don’t you hate the fact that it’s always someone else who teaches your children to curse? Worse when it’s a family member.

    My mother always said “Fuck” when someone blew their horn at her while she was driving. That… happened a lot!

    When she would sport around town in her Buick, with my, then, three year old Jill as a hostage in the back seat, horns would beep and Jill soon learned to scream out “FUCK!” This allowed her grandmother to concentrate on driving like a slug and not feel pressured to curse at the twenty or more cars tooting angry horns as they trailed behind her.

    Good luck with the potty-thing. So much for people always saying girls are easier to train than boys or, is Kate unique?

    • Patty, I think your grandmother must be my mom’s real mother…my mom used to curse like that all the time when I was growing up. For example, “Get me a fucking drink,” or “Go clean the fucking kitchen.” It was so “normal” in my house. I laughed when I read that your mom had Jill in the back seat and was saying that. I can just picture it. It’s funny. but not. You know, both at the same time. Good luck!

  2. Lisa Steele says:

    Thank you for my morning laugh!

  3. Kelli,
    I know you must be mortified at her little potty mouth, but honestly, her little mouth gives you some crazy-funny stories to tell! I was literally laughing out loud at the computer this morning. Of course my boys wanted to know what I was laughing at, so I shared your post with them…we all agree that your “sweet little pumpkin” is just precious!!

  4. I…can’t…breathe….

    Kelli, that was hilarious. I totally feel your pain. I have a filthy mouthed two year old girl that refuses to potty train as well.

    I wonder what would happen if we got them together? I bet the world would end.

  5. And Gwen emerges from this latest tale looking quite virtuous! Happy birthday to your little potty-trainer.

  6. Yes, Gwennie does get the blue ribbon in virtue for this story, doesn’t she?

    I know it’s making you crazy, but Kate’s verbal skills are incredible for her age. And I mean that with no irony or sarcasm at all!!!

  7. I thought my 4yr old was bad with her mouth!! I don’t miss potty training at all. Good luck with it!

  8. Hahaha! What a good big sister! I wish I could hear Kate say that. You tell THE best stories!

  9. I want to take a road trip with you and document it all on camera. Pretty please?

  10. I think ti’s really only fair that if Gwen gets to teach Kate how to USE the potty then Joe should get to teach Kate how to TALK the potty. And she’s such a natural!

    I hate to laugh (especially at the Toys R Us meltdown), but you tell the story in such an awesome way that I can’t help it. You’re one gifted storyteller my friend. Still counting down the days until I can buy your book!

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