What I Did This Weekend…

I defended my stance on the dirt pile after being called a “douche” for blogging about it on Friday. Fantastic vocabulary, Dave…all that law schoolin’ really paid off, huh? Just kidding, I’m totally cool with the 10th anniversary dirt pile. So cool in fact, that when the second pile was delivered yesterday morning,  I silently watched with delight while casting the hairy eyeball upon my unsuspecting husband.

He’s so romantical and stuff. Okay, I’ll fess us…he wants to build a flagstone wall so I can plant a pretty garden on the bald, weedy hill.

As the dirt pile (also filled with refuse) was dumped from the busted dump truck, I sat in the front seat of my sexy grey minivan. That’s right. I like to spend Saturday mornings with a cup of java and some Amor All wipes, scrubbing gobs of rotting banana and dog snot from its interior. I originally walked onto the porch with my cup o’ Joe intending to soak up the morning sunshine on a wicker chair. I don’t know, maybe it was Kate’s incessant shrieking or something that caused me to enter the minivan and start scrubbing. I was still in my pajamas… No, that’s not entirely true… I was wearing pajama bottoms and a bathrobe.

20 minutes into Scrub Fest and locked inside while the exterior was hosed down, I got hot. Really hot. So I took off the bathrobe and commenced Topless Scrub Fest 2011. But no one noticed because the doors where all closed. Dave finally peeked into a window and I saw his eyes widen with surprise. Somehow I don’t think that a 40 year old woman with bed head and coffee breath really fulfilled any naked car wash fantasies. Thankfully, the dirt delivery person arrived before Topless Scrub Fest began.

Then we went to Toys R Us. Again. 

Next, we purposely dragged the kids into this huge Goodwill in South Portland because they dragged us through Toys R Us. Smart, aren’t we? Tit for tat, man.

We scored a vintage oil painting (trés shabby chic) for $1.99. I’d show you a picture, but I’m too lazy and two cocktails into my evening and stuff. (No wonder no one tunes in to No. 7 anymore, huh?)

Vintage Californian Artist Oil Painting Period Frame

Not our $1.99 Goodwill oil painting, but you get the picture.

Today, we hired a new babysitter, drove to Old Port and inhaled a pile of sushi. Then, guess where we went? We went to Toys R Us. AGAIN.

It’s Gwen’s birthday tomorrow. So yesterday’s Toys R Us mission was held to uncover what the kid wanted. You know… since we totally forgot that she was turning 5. I guess we could have told her that the second dirt pile was hers, but I didn’t have the heart. From experience, I can attest to the fact that getting dirt for a momentous occasion sucks.

Anywho… we nabbed the last pink daisy covered Razor scooter, some Hello Kitty shades and a creepy puppy dog that wags its tail. The best part of our Toys R Us date was the discovery of some stuffed guinea pigs that simply must repeat whatever you say. Hecho in China. We taught the whole shelf to say, “Wazzzzzup, douchebag?”

I Say Chatimals Talking Guinea Pig

Then we left.
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Comments

  1. LOL!! Thinking it was a wise move NOT to take Maddie to Toys R Us today to spend her birthday money – how long do you think it will take before someone reprograms those darn rodents? 😉

  2. Oh, I still love “tuning into” No. 7, because you make me laugh!! Going to Toys R Us is pure torture, but I’m sure your daughter will be so glad you didn’t give her dirt 😉

  3. Haha, she might have been ok with the dirt pile. Ok, maybe not. Happy 10 years to ya’ll! A nice little flagstone path and garden will be great!

  4. When my kids were small and shopping at Toys R Us was a necessity, I dragged a friend to help me gather toy-junk before Christmas. Within twenty minutes, it felt as if we had been there for days and we were both cranky and wanted to run out of the store…screaming.

    Instead, we busied ourselves in the Barbie aisle, putting various dolls in suggestive positions on the shelves. Who cares, Barbie is a slut anyway and we left several Ken dolls with big smiles on their faces.

    Happy Birthday to Gwen!!!

  5. …and now I need to go to TRU to buy one of those things JUST so I can teach it to say “Whazzup douchebag” and give it to my husband. I mean, teach it to say cute things and give it to my kids.

    • Seriously. We weren’t even drunk and I still nearly peed my pants with laughter. $19.99 for an evening of purely inappropriate entertainment? Yes, please!

  6. Lisa Steele says:

    HYSTERICAL!

  7. Wazzzzzup, douchebag!? LOL! Too funny! I stumbled upon your blog through FTLOB! I love it!
    I am your newest follower! 🙂

  8. Dude, Goodwill for the birthday presents too. I’m not even playing! ‘Cause cheapo is how we roll.

  9. Ok I’m reading out of order and have deduced that your husband gave you dirt for a special occasion. Was this the dirt you were supposed to bury him in? What the F was he thinking?

  10. Okay, me and Jeremy are definitely going to have to make a trip to Toys R Us for this guinea pig goodness…sounds like fun!

    Love the oil painting that’s not really your oil painting…it helped me with the whole visualization thing I was trying to do. Now I can picture it perfectly. 🙂

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