Hallucinations or Fatigue?

The most interesting things happen when you’ve slept for just one and half hours and fueled yourself with a second round Sudafed and Ibuprofin.

For example, while innocently strolling through the kitchen, things like stuffed monkeys lying on the floor can result in intense startle reflexes. Suddenly, that innocent stuffed ape with it’s brown fur and flesh colored appendages morphes into a weird looking dead baby thing. As you round the kitchen island and encounter that horrifying creature, you will recoil and emit a raspy shriek. After you’ve resumed the involuntary act of mouth-breathing (because the nose is closed for repairs), and the image of that terrible thing  has rearranged itself into a plain old stuffed monkey, you will kick it.


But that kick won’t be satisfying because the stuffed monkey is soft. Plush, even. It will soar into the next room and land on the dining room table where it will lie in wait. You might tell yourself, Self…let’s remember that monkey is on the dining room table so we don’t experience that particular 3 seconds of horror again today, okay?

You might also walk by the playroom and see that your toddler is drawing on the walls with a black magic marker. From deep within, a lucid voice screams at you, insisting that what she is doing is wrong, very wrong. That inner voice, the one that isn’t sick and tired, will encourage you to stop that toddler! Stop her this instant!  But your feet won’t move. Instead, you will wordlessly stand there mouth-breathing and dabbing at your nose with a tissue. You will watch.

Somehow, that detached balloon-head feeling that accompanies illness and lack of sleep enables you to take a step back. You might wonder if you’ve reached a higher state of conciousness because those thickly drawn black scribbles juxtaposed against the bright yellow wall are breathtaking. Or maybe you’re just short of breath. Either way, you will think, Yes! Yes, scribble away my dear talented child! For I am moving on now and I will deal with that tomorrow.

You will then sit down at your laptop, write a shitload of meaningless drivel and worry that you’re going to get kicked out of graduate school for submitting a less than stellar writing packet on September 23rd. You will stare blankly at the wall for several minutes then hopefully look at the clock and realize that you have 8 more hours to get through.

I’m not sure, but maybe the combination of Sudafed, Ibuprofin and coffee causes weird hallucinations. Maybe it’s a combination of each of those things plus staying up all night long…Maybe I should just hit the beer fridge and call it a day. It’s fine, trust me. Between our babysitter, Dora, and the playroom walls-turned-art canvas, we’re all set.

Now…about that monkey.


  1. I bet there are a lot of people that would pay for that buzz! Just don’t mistake one of the kids for the monkey.

  2. oh, sleepless-night-drug-induced hallucinations are no fun. hope you feel better soon!

  3. Probably a bad combo, dear. Maybe try some, ohhh I dunno…, FOOD with it?

  4. Haha, oh no! Get some rest, and keep clear of those monkeys. Too funny!

  5. man this is too funny its like Chris Griffin’s dilemma with the evil monkey in his closet… by the way check your closets lol!!

  6. Definitely shades of Go Ask Alice in this post.

    Can just see you staring at your hand and discovering how magical it looks while waving it in the air like a butterfly.

    If you trip away to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.

  7. Love this description of having a cold. Definitely been there, in that weird place between cold medicine doses and the inability to sleep. It gets trippy.

  8. Oh jeez…hopefully u can catch up on some sleep this weekend!!!

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