It’s Official. I’m a Freak.

I’ve finally figured it all out.

I am a freak. Seriously. I’m a genuine freak and I saw definitive proof yesterday morning.

All it took was a routine dental exam and a new-fangled panoramic x-ray machine to uncover the evidence.

Living right there in my gums above my two front teeth is an extra tooth. It’s true. And it has gone undetected for more years than I care to share with you.

Of course, my twisted (freaky) mind immediately latched onto Stephen King’s, The Dark Half. I was so excited I almost started a manic plot description for the hygienist and dentist recounting Thad Beaumont and his pen-name turned alter-ego-psycho-killer, George Stark. Instead, I wisely chose to silently recall Thad Beaumont and the twin he absorbed in utero. The twin was discovered after Thad suffered debilitating headaches as a child. Initially, the headaches were blamed on a mass in Thad’s brain but, when the surgeon opened Thad’s skull, he found (GASP!) a nostril, fingernails, part of an eye and…wait for it…TEETH!

Purdy, ain't I?

Okay, so I’ll admit that my weird extra tooth wasn’t causing the dentist any visible alarm. It was merely my over-active writer’s imagination at work, but I was momentarily placed in a state of awe while I mentally reviewed the plot of The Dark Half. I might have a partially absorbed psycho-killer twin living in my head at this very moment! Think about it. It explains a lot. Like that time when I was eight and I cornered my brother and sister in the kitchen with a butter knife and threatened to kill them. They shouldn’t have teased me because evidently, they angered my toothy twin.


It turns out the dentist was more worried about the two wisdom teeth I need to have yanked. One grew when I was in my twenties and never really caused me any problems…until now. It seems my rogue tooth has, indeed, gone rogue. Sad to say, but it’s time to say goodbye to my beloved tooth and it’s impacted friend. They will be extracted by an oral surgeon at some yet-to-be-determined date in the near future.

Whatever. I always have time for oral surgery, graduate school, three children and a husband as long as I’m offered a hearty dose of anesthesia and a couple of Percocet for my trouble.  Also, my absorbed twin likes things like Percocet and booze. I find that keeping it medicated alleviates the anger it feels because I absorbed it in utero. Who the hell wants to share the spotlight with a twin? Sheesh. I’m way too selfish for all that business!


  1. OMG Kell. My twisted brain immediately went to Secret Absorbed Evil Twin too.

  2. “Like that time when I was eight and I cornered my brother and sister in the kitchen with a butter knife and threatended to kill them.”


    Anyone else but me see the similarities here where Ms. Kate is concerned?

    Like Mommy, like shanker?

  3. It all makes so much more sense now.

    My daughter has a 3rd nipple. Does this mean her insanity can be blamed on an absorbed psychotic twin? If we cut into her armpit, will we find a kneecap, eyelashes and part of a jaw?? Will that jaw be trying to mutter things like “More boiled ham!” and “Closer, my pretty!”?

  4. Whoa. This is some twisted stuff. I’m all impressed with your freaky self. Makes my third nipple seem almost normal.

    KIDDING! Or am I?

  5. I’m too freaked out by all of this crazy talk to even leave a decent comment.

  6. Kelli- are you sure you want to get rid of that extra tooth? That’s WISDOM, man. Freaky wisdom. I’d be worried I’d lose some smarts. LOL

  7. Damn and I was worried I looked freakish with the two HUGE mosquito bites I currently have on my face (and the rest of my body) right now. I’m sure some f*ing African mosquito has half of my blood and is staring a whole new half human/half mosquito species. But you? Way more freakish. Congrats.

  8. You know it really ticks me off that we live in a society where you can’t even confide in your dentist and/or hygienist about your theories on paranormal occultism of teeth.

    Whatever happened to “having an open mind,” hmmm? Don’t they know?! The King doesn’t just pull this stuff out of his hat! He KNOWS stuff.

    I, for one, happen to believe that the absorbed twin concept is a perfectly viable possibility. 🙂

  9. I have an adult canine that sits sideways across my top front teeth. When I push right under my nose there is sensation in the gums where the tooth is. So basically, one of my canines is a baby tooth. Everytime I change dentists or a new x-ray tech comes into my life I have to talk them down because they get all freaked out about it.

    • I feel much better now, knowing that I’m not alone with my freaky tooth! Maybe they are actually the mark of genius.

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