Who Cut Zee Cat’s Viskers?

Last weekend we spent approximately 10 minutes fervently interrogating our children.

If I had my druthers, I would have tied each of them to a chair and perhaps threatened the use of dental tools while a naked light bulb swung over their little heads. In my fantasy, David and I sound like Dr. Szell, our thick German accents threatening dental torture sans anesthesia unless…

You must tell us…who cut zee catz viskers?

Besides a vague reference to a movie filmed before my tens of readers were even born, this is 2011 and things like tying kids to chairs and dental torture are highly discouraged. Plus, I can only say a handful of things in German like, Mein geburstag ist am 15 Oktober or, Wo ist die toilette? and that old stand by, scheiße.

Frankly, it’s taken me quite a few days to write about the destruction that occured last weekend. I needed to put some space between myself and the havoc my children wreaked upon us, our pets and various pricey gadgets.

On Thanksgiving night, long after our guests had left for home and the turkey carcass was simmering, Joe was so hyper-focused involved in his game of Angry Birds that he couldn’t put the iPhone down. In fact, he tried to hold on to the iPhone as he took a leak and yes, the iPhone ended up in the toilet.

Somewhat coincidentally, the day before I’d read all about rice and cell-phones and batteries and sim cards, so I knew what to do. I know, weird right? It’s like I had some sort of premonition.

The iPhone was submerged in a bowl of rice promptly after Dave fished it out of the toilet. With fingers crossed, we waited 24 hours to see if the ol’ pee pee soaked phone could be saved.

It was.

But I’ll never touch it again.

Hours after we’d confirmed the effectiveness of rice for drying out cell phones, Joe spilled a glass of sparkling lemonade on the laptop. Evidently, he was so parched from his rousing game of Minecraft, his intense thirst led him to break the “NO FOOD OR DRINK NEAR THE COMPUTER” rule. Oh, but don’t worry. He partially wiped up that nasty spill with a paper towel, poured himself a fresh drink and continued playing…as the sugary lemonade decimated the innards of the computer.

This was happening right around the time that I picked up the cat and noticed that her ride-side whiskers had been trimmed. Not down to the nubs, mind you, just the tips so she’s okay. But still…seriously? After last summer’s round of safety scissor haircuts (Gwen’s is still growing out) you’d think they would understand that using the safety scissors to trim anything but paper was not cool.


Asking the children who trimmed Dirk’s whiskers became a convoluted inquisition. Gwen tearfully swears it was Kate, Kate cluelessly claims it was Joe and Joe flatly denies knowledge of anyone trimming the cat’s whiskers at all. I believe Joe.

Yet again, the safety scissors have been confiscated.

Later on Saturday afternoon, the computer began emitting a piercing series of beeping alarms. What followed was a long string of whispered curse words flowing from Dave’s mouth. Now, while I understood his frustration, I had to remind him that saying certain words, even in well-earned moment of anger, is a bad idea. Kate picks up on that stuff, you know.


  1. On the bright side, your kids have now enlightened your readers to the wonders of rice. They should almost be commended. Almost. 😉

    Miss you, girl!

  2. OMG, I am dying. this is too funny. My youngest gave herself a haircut as well…bangs all the way down to her scalp!!! They’ve finally grown out.

  3. Oh god, the part about continuing to play with the computer whilst it was filled with lemonade. I mean…I just about passed out when I read that!

  4. … at least he wiped off the keyboard. Wouldn’t want sticky fingers! (Screw the hardware.)

  5. Too funny! I just had a little boy in October and I also have a 9 year old cat. I’m thinking we are going to have to get her a much higher cat tree to escape from little hands.

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