Distractions and Bad Hair Advice

Yesterday morning I sat on the couch perusing Etsy and watching Rachael Ray. I haven’t watched daytime television in months. Hell, I haven’t watched any television in months. Except for every single episode of the Vampire Diaries after discovering free episodes on Netflix two weeks ago. If you were wondering where I’ve been (humor me), my face was plastered to my iPad while I drooled over a hunky blood sucking monster named Damon.

You're welcome

But I was talking about how I was loafing around yesterday morning…

There I was, loafing around on the couch and wishing there was just one more episode of Vampire Diaries to watch before the big premiere on Thursday night.

The ridiculous part is, I have a lot of shit to do. On Friday I’m leaving the family for ten days to go to the winter residency for my MFA program. I have eleven eighteen-page manuscripts to critique. I also have readings to complete before faculty and graduate presentations. I’m almost done but sometimes my brain needs a break from all those words.

So there I was marveling at felted bunny rabbits on Etsy. Not that I’m really in the market for felted critters, but have you seen what these people can create?!

photo courtesy Sarasark Etsy Shop

courtesy SteviT Etsy Shop

I was also half listening the Rachael Ray’s monologue. When she started dishing about the best hairstyles of 2011, I thought, If Jennifer Aniston’s hair is mentioned in this segment, I’m gonna throw my slipper at that flat screen.

They didn’t talk about Friends or Jennifer’s “Rachel” cut but they did talk about Brooklyn Decker’s tousled bob. Or, as Kyan Douglas called it, a tossled bob.

So I was sucked in. My pixie cut has successfully grown out to the bob stage. If I can call my uncombed bob “tousled” and get away with it, I’m all for it!

Fast forward twenty minutes and I was standing in the bathroom following the How to Make Tousled Waves instructions of some broad on the internet. She told me that to get that tossled…no, I’m just going to stick with tousled… She said to get that tousled look, I should put mousse in my hair, braid 5 to 7 sections and twist into little buns. Then when dry, take the bun braids out and lightly shake my fingers through my hair.

And I listened to her.

I didn’t have mousse on hand so I grabbed some of Dave’s hair gel and proceeded to braid just like Smarty McHairdo told me to. Unfortunately, I also had no bobby pins so my buns were held in place with an insane combination of doggie hairclips and rainbow hued curly-cue bows from Gwen’s collection.

Hair Bow Instructions how to make hair bows twisted, layered, over the top

Photo Courtesy Birdsongbows Etsy Shop

I stepped back to admire my handiwork in the mirror and thought, How great is this? Now I’ll totally get through this awkward grow-out stage!

I was quite pleased with myself. I’d finally found a way to harness my waves and make them work for me.

As my bun braids dried, I swirled a makeup brush in my mineral makeup and buffed my face…swirl and buff…swirl and buff… I hollered, “Girls get your shoes and socks on! We’re leaving soon!”

And I meant it. We’d be leaving really soon because my hair was tousling. All by itself. In those braid buns that Smarty McHairdo told me to make.

What a frackin’ time saver!

Gwen walked into my bathroom, skidded to a stop and openly gawked at my head. “Ummmmm, Mom? What’d you do to your hair?”

Her face was filled with concern. No, maybe that was confusion…or fear. Whatever. She thought my lid looked crazy.

And it did.

So I pretended I was ready to go. I acted as if I fully intended to meander through the Maine Mall with 7 mini-bun braids wrapped in puppy dogs, curly bows and butterfly clips. Mostly, I do things like that because I like to torture my children and provide them with subject matter for future therapy sessions.

Gwen laughed then abruptly stopped and grew serious. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, why not? You don’t like it?” I turned and admired my head in the mirror.

“You look crazy. People are going to stare at you. They’ll probably laugh…and call you crazy. It’s not pretty, Mom. Not pretty at all.”

“Oh,” I said, feigning crippling disappointment. “What should I do then?”

“Take it out and brush it,” She said. Her tone inferring I’m a filthy animal who rarely brushes her hair.

“Okay,” I sighed.

Truthfully, I was looking forward to my tousled waves. My bob would rock those tousles like, like….a woman who’s completely bat-shit crazy.

Tousled waves my ass!

I looked like a freaky Muppet. No, I looked like a troll doll-Muppet hybrid.

Thank God for headbands. And a little girl who knows a crazy hairdo when she sees one.

**

I’ve opened my own Etsy shop and will be adding more goodies after January 16th!

 

Comments

  1. And yet, I demenad a picture of your attempt. Please don’t make me do this to my own growing-put bob.

    😉

  2. Finally back from the deep and you STILL crack me up! Don’t you just hate all those people who make things look so easy and give you freaking HOPE? Psssht. I’m growing out too and I’m almost to the rocking a scarf phase so the cancer patients who really do rock those things can laugh at me instead of everyone else. Meanwhile the 19 year old pin up girl I gave birth to washes, blow dries and looks like a freaking Garnier model. Now I’m starting to get where the whole red hat thing came from…..

    Good to be back and to read your blog again, I missed ya!

  3. Oh I was SO hoping for a picture of the troll-doll Muppet hair! This post made me laugh! I can’t wait to torment my boys like this when they get older.

  4. Yes, I concur. We need an “after” picture stat!

  5. I did the tousled (tossled?) hair look once with braids. I ended up looking like Mariah Carey circa 1998. Not good, not good at all.

    An Etsy shop, eh? How exciting! Best of luck with all those critiques!

  6. How did I miss this one?! Must be all the paint fumes I’ve been inhaling. Made me laugh out loud and I LOVE to laugh out loud! Gals, she must be slipping or have Stonecoast on her mind because the old Kelli would have totally blessed us with a photo of this one. You are forgiven, just this once;)

  7. Ha! I’m afraid to admit I’ve tried this braid technique as well. It didn’t turn out any better for me. Unfortunately, I don’t have photographic evidence of this event either, BUT I do have a photograph of a time I slept in foam curlers. It was Easter Sunday, and I woke up all beyond excited that I was going to have perfect Shirley Temple ringlets. Yeah…that didn’t really work out. I looked like some kind of psychotic poodle.

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