The bear was standing at the end of the dirt road, pacing back and forth and thoughtfully scratching his beard. He stopped and looked in my direction. “Where are the Skittles?” he called. “Has no one thrown Skittles away this week?” He was clearly perturbed that the dump was not properly stocked.
|image courtesy Google image search|
He began to pace again. While his back was turned, I rolled a giant mousetrap to the mouth of the dirt road leading into the dump. Quickly, I baited it with cotton candy and Skittles then performed an efficient army roll into the bushes as I saw him whirling back in my direction. From my post behind a tree, I watched the Game Warden round the bend with his dogs and confront the disgruntled pacing bear.
From my hiding place I watched them angrily gesture at one another.
The bear broadly swept his arm in the direction of the dump piles, clearly complaining that there were no Skittles to be had.
|A magical rainbow of candy coated niblets
image courtesy of Google image search
Then the Game Warden placed handcuffs on the bear and led him to the paddy wagon. As they drove past, I jumped out from behind the tree, pointed and laughed at the bear while screeching, “SKITTLES!”
The bear slumped in his seat and placed his head in his paws as the paddy wagon turned onto the main road and disappeared.
|Paddy Wagon source|
Turning to the right, I began walking across the paved road and away from the dump. I could see my sister and my friend Jodi, the one from high school, sitting together on a bench and looking at a photograph. As I approached, they held up a Glamour Shot of my junior prom date.
“Guess who I’m dating?” my sister called in a sing-song voice. They giggled.
“You can’t date him, you’re married!” I huffed.
They both gazed at me as if I was a moron and then Jodi piped up. “She can do whatever she wants! Besides…he’s HOT!”
They dissolved into a fresh round of giggles and I noticed that the man version of my junior prom date was wearing makeup in his Glamour Shot.
|Not my Junior Prom Date
image courtesy funnyphotos
My cell phone rang.
“Hello, Aunt Kelli? It’s Sam. Can you tell my mom that I’m with the Long Island Serial Killer?” beep…silence.
“Uh, Traci… that was Sam and she’s with the Long Island Serial Killer.”
My sister and Jodi continued gazing at my prom date’s Glamour Shot and ignoring me. Suddenly, I’m enraged that she’s cheating on her husband with my prom date. Worse, she’s completely unfazed that her daughter is in the deadly grasp of a serial killer.
I walked away, leaving them there with the stupid Glamour Shot and made my way into the mall parking lot. I was trying to find a parking space and my damn car was becoming really heavy. Finally, I dropped the car in a spot outside of the mall and made my way across the pavement to the entrance.
It took a really long time because I decided to crawl like a worm.
Finally, I reached the entrance and stood up. I fought my way through a crowd of protesters inside of a store selling dresses from India and located the employee entrance to Neiman Marcus. I entered, pretending that I worked there and walked with purpose straight into the shoe department.
Suddenly, I could hear Neiman Marcus’ massive junkyard-style guard dogs barking, alerting the staff of an intruder. I couldn’t see them, but they were close…so close. I stood frozen with a beautiful shoe in my hand.
My eyes fluttered open to see Stella standing on my pillow, barking at me to wake up.
For some reason, I’m exhausted today.
|Not a vicious junkyard-style guard dog.|