More February Madness and Some Photographic Evidence

Despite the Great Plague of 2012 aka Hell Month, I decided to attack potty training with a vengeance. Maybe it was extreme fatigue after a week-long battle with barf…

Whatever it was that led to my visions of potty training grandeur, it was wrong. Just. So. Wrong.

In the end, on one of the rare days in February that didn’t include stomach bile, I decided that I was done with diapers. You heard me, I was finito. Caput. No mas diapers.

I remember it well. It was Friday. The Friday following a pukey all-nighter. (And sadly, not the kind of pukey all-nighters I enjoyed in my early twenties.)  No, this was viral and the only booze involved were those fancy cocktails I was perusing on Pinterest while my children hurled beside me in the dark hours of night.

I started that Friday by waging battle with my eyelids. I nearly resorted to prying them open and, because of my extreme fatigue, I decided that everyone was staying home. School was not an option. Mostly because I don’t believe in sharing germs (too late) and also because I was riding a roller coaster of fear. One moment I was joyous that I had seemingly escaped the bug and the next I was poised to sprint toward a bathroom. The slightest gurgle in my gastrointestinal region filled me with dread and threw me into a  certifiably neurotic cycle of waiting. Waiting for the puke to come. Obsessing over gas bubbles and appropriate levels of saliva production.

After approximately six hours of stopping in my tracks to declare, “Oh, this is it. I’m going to throw up,” Dave began calling me Fred Sanford, clutching at his heart and saying, “This is the big one!” (Yes, I just dated my husband with a reference to Sanford and Son. He’s so damn old, y’all.)

Since I had nothing much to do but for 27 loads of smelly laundry, it occurred to me that it was the perfect day to break Kate’s will. Yes, the Friday following a mass vomiting was suddenly the most opportune time to fight the good fight. I was certain I’d conquer her inconvenient and disgusting choice of poo receptacle.

Perhaps the hallucinations from extreme fatigue placed these grandiose plans at my feet. I didn’t care. I went with it. I embraced my sleepless state and rode the wave toward visions of a diaper-free household.

I made her take her diaper off, kindly ridiculing her about nearly being three. Then I gently taunted her with declarations that all the other girls are doing it. I issued horrifying warnings about preschool being unattainable for pants poopers. Finally, I reminded her that poo-poo beans are positively scrumptious and, with that thought planted in her head, Kate dropped trou.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t totally on board with the plan. Not at all. She was pissed off and put out that I’d dare to suggest such a foul thing as defecating in a potty. So much so, that she stripped naked in protest and proceeded to made herself look as pitiful as possible.

So I couldn’t resist taking a series of photos. You know, for future ammunition because it has become quite clear to David and I that our years with Kate are not going to be easy ones. As a result, I shall endeavor to accumulate an arsenal of mortifying photographs and videotapes to be used at a future date. But only if completely necessary. Say, for that weird boyfriend we’re going to hate but that Kate dates simply to piss us off. I’ll show him the horrors of toddler Kate and hopefully scare him off.

However, since my blog stats indicate that preverts abound, I will not post any full-frontals of my baby girl on the can. (Take that creepy people who arrive at No. 7 with searches like “mom wiped my bum.”)

For the record, Kate did not poop in the potty and late Friday evening, my cocky proclamations of health were squelched by my gurgling gastrointestinal tract.

 

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What Do You Suppose This Means?

The bear was standing at the end of the dirt road, pacing back and forth and thoughtfully scratching his beard. He stopped and looked in my direction. “Where are the Skittles?” he called. “Has no one thrown Skittles away this week?” He was clearly perturbed that the dump was not properly stocked.


image courtesy Google image search

He began to pace again. While his back was turned, I rolled a giant mousetrap to the mouth of the dirt road leading into the dump. Quickly, I baited it with cotton candy and Skittles then performed an efficient army roll into the bushes as I saw him whirling back in my direction. From my post behind a tree, I watched the Game Warden round the bend with his dogs and confront the disgruntled pacing bear.



They argued.

From my hiding place I watched them angrily gesture at one another.
The bear broadly swept his arm in the direction of the dump piles, clearly complaining that there were no Skittles to be had.

A magical rainbow of candy coated niblets
image courtesy of Google image search

Then the Game Warden placed handcuffs on the bear and led him to the paddy wagon. As they drove past, I jumped out from behind the tree, pointed and laughed at the bear while screeching, “SKITTLES!”

The bear slumped in his seat and placed his head in his paws as the paddy wagon turned onto the main road and disappeared.



Paddy Wagon source

Turning to the right, I began walking across the paved road and away from the dump. I could see my sister and my friend Jodi, the one from high school, sitting together on a bench and looking at a photograph. As I approached, they held up a Glamour Shot of my junior prom date.

“Guess who I’m dating?” my sister called in a sing-song voice. They giggled.

“You can’t date him, you’re married!” I huffed.

They both gazed at me as if I was a moron and then Jodi piped up. “She can do whatever she wants! Besides…he’s HOT!”

They dissolved into a fresh round of giggles and I noticed that the man version of my junior prom date was wearing makeup in his Glamour Shot.



Not my Junior Prom Date
image courtesy funnyphotos

My cell phone rang.

“Hello, Aunt Kelli? It’s Sam. Can you tell my mom that I’m with the Long Island Serial Killer?” beep…silence.

“Uh, Traci… that was Sam and she’s with the Long Island Serial Killer.”

My sister and Jodi continued gazing at my prom date’s Glamour Shot and ignoring me. Suddenly, I’m enraged that she’s cheating on her husband with my prom date. Worse, she’s completely unfazed that her daughter is in the deadly grasp of a serial killer.

Whatever.

I walked away, leaving them there with the stupid Glamour Shot and made my way into the mall parking lot. I was trying to find a parking space and my damn car was becoming really heavy. Finally, I dropped the car in a spot outside of the mall and made my way across the pavement to the entrance.

It took a really long time because I decided to crawl like a worm.

My ex-love

Finally, I reached the entrance and stood up. I fought my way through a crowd of protesters inside of a store selling dresses from India and located the employee entrance to Neiman Marcus. I entered, pretending that I worked there and walked with purpose straight into the shoe department.

Suddenly, I could hear Neiman Marcus’ massive junkyard-style guard dogs barking, alerting the staff of an intruder. I couldn’t see them, but they were close…so close. I stood frozen with a beautiful shoe in my hand.

My eyes fluttered open to see Stella standing on my pillow, barking at me to wake up.

For some reason, I’m exhausted today.

Not a vicious junkyard-style guard dog.